If I'm being honest, I have to first ask whether I'm trying to impress others with my capacity for self-punishment. The answer though is that I am actually sort of self-conscious about my fringe interests and get really embarrassed when people shower me with praise. The truth is that I'm not very good at any of this stuff and with my slowed-down mellow approach, it's not always as hard as people think (I'm not running non-stop for 100 miles or anything). So no, while I do have my attention and validation-seeking qualities at times, doing difficult things is not a ploy for attention or validation.
So then, what am I after? I think Beat or Jill once described their quest for "living intensely" or something of that nature. At the time I heard that description I thought "gee, I want to live casually, pleasurably and mellowly not intensely." However, what I get from these experiences that are sometimes pretty punishing is an intense and punctuated feeling of aliveness. As I adjust and acclimate and wrap my head around a distance or difficulty, it takes even more to get into that gritty zone of doubt and fear that requires me to really rally and overcome. (This should not be confused with fear of heights, which I hate feeling and really try to avoid when possible). Needing more to get the fix is pretty much just what addicts and junkies experience. Hmmm. The fact that I seriously desire to do something potentially life-threatening to get the experience I am after should be alarming to me. It is and it isn't. Part of me thinks it's my taste for adventure. Part of me thinks it's my difficulty with moderation in any shape or form. It makes me think I need to just think about something different for awhile.
Another aspect of all this is that my goals, i.e. to experience aliveness and prove to myself that I can overcome things, are not compatible with "racing." These events I sign up for are, in fact, races. I do not race them. I do them as experiences but am not typically interested in competition. To a certain extent I am competing with myself, but I am more experiencing and participating. I don't think there's anything really super wrong with this, but it's sort of lame.
Anyhow, back to stepping back and doing something different for awhile. I think I'm going to train for a marathon. A road one. And run on roads and try to run fast and run with purpose. This will be fun, allow me to push limits of sorts and see if I can improve my times from seven or eight years ago (OMG) when I was sort of fast for me. This will be a racing-oriented approach with concrete goals that are about getting faster not more mentally powerful. Of course, mental power is needed to push through the suffering of breathing hard and trying to increase leg turnover, but it's just not the same as ultra endurance running. It's a pretty normal endeavor for a runner, which I like to think I am even though I rarely run anymore. I'm going to do the races I am already signed up for but will put some of those other things on the shelf mentally for now (i.e. Bear). I'd like to quit 100s. I'm not ready to commit to quitting cold turkey and am not even going to say that I'm not doing Bear, but perhaps a distraction, such as marathon training, will help me be more normal and not want to do the Iditarod Trail Invitational. I can be kind to myself. I can.do.it.
13 comments:
It will be interesting to see how all your mental toughness from the longer events plays out in a marathon. I'm betting you would be way, way tougher now than you were 8 years ago, and that the distance will feel really short you know?
It's exciting to think about reading about your training. Do you think you'll follow a plan? Do you have a lot of friends out there who do road races, not just ultras? Just wondering if you'll have to hang with a different crowd.
For me, this whole thing started with the simple but empowering discovery of how far I could travel under my own power. Once I realized I could hike 50 miles across Zion National Park with a backpack, I wanted to ride 600 miles around southern Utah and Colorado with a bike, and so on. My first ITI was really about the notion that I could, if I wanted it enough, travel all of the hauntingly beautiful terrain from Knik to McGrath by myself. I don't mush dogs, don't have a pilot's license, and would probably bury a snowmachine if I ever tried to drive one. But I can ride a bike, and the idea of riding one across Alaska was so appealing.
Racing is the default setting of seeking larger challenges and farther distances. Racing also provides a ready-made community of like-minded people for friendship and support. Like you, I use racing as a vehicle to challenge my own limitations, but I've learned that speed will probably never be part of that challenge. My mindset is that I already know I can travel 26 miles on foot on a road course, and a larger part of me has no interest in seeing how fast I could do it. For this reason I'm not able to train for a road marathon, because the training wouldn't interest me and the goal isn't there. I completely understand why these goals drive others, but I've also accepted my own motivations.
There's also the component of feeling intensely alive, as you mentioned. I think a lot of people tend to back away from their most intense emotions, including the bad ones. I seek extreme situations to fully experience myself and my emotions, and acknowledge how both my physical being and sense of self are connected to simple biological processes, as well as the entirety of a universe I can't begin to understand. It's also empowering to push limits in a way that makes other aspects of life feel more comfortable and doable. There was a time when backpacking 50 miles across Zion National Park was daunting and epic. Now I am thinking about running this same route in a day, and the fact that I have the ability to do so is so satisfying.
Anyway, you touched on many self-reflection questions that I am constantly asking myself. I don't think they ever stop, nor is it possible to always one-up yourself in your adventures just to find a greater challenge. But there are always new challenges out there, and I think seeking them is a worthwhile endeavor.
Oh, my God, I loved it! I remember Lisa S-B when coached me kept saying I like to punish myself by self-distracting and pushing to the injury (and through) because I hate myself. I don't think I hate myself at all! I love adventures and what many folks I know describe and am longing for it, but being a mother (and even a wife) keeps me grounded in those desires. So, I guess I eventually pick things I, personally don't consider that hard or dangerous at all. A lot of it is perception. Some think running a road marathon(yay, girl!) is bad for your knees, some wonder why on Earth would you want to cros mountains for over 100 miles (or snow desert). But it's THEIR views! Mine are that I am a sissy, and people free-climb Dome and slack-line across canyons! Expeditions on North Pole! Crossing Greenland! Exploring Siberia! Swimming over Gibraltar! Holly cow, life is out there! I do realize as a unit of a family I have obligations and responsibilities, but when I am dreaming, I pick up things outside the daily life. Thankfully, there are enough out there to last me till I am ready to hit the bucket (and then still some, so I intend to live long).
Love this post. It is a good question to pose. I agree with a lot of what Jill and Olga said. I don't think it is at all about hating one's self, but more "what is my mind and body capable of?" plus a little adrenaline and sense of accomplishment.
You are so in my head right now.
I keep asking myself which direction I want to go to keep improving. Do I want quicker road marathons or do I want to go longer in ultras? For now, road marathons and trail 50Ks seem to be the answer for me.
But where does one finally draw the line?
IMO, friends don't let freinds run road. Please don't. You'll get injured, and bored.
My 2c
Cheers,
Beat
Hi Danni,
I totally am not in your league, but I understand what you are saying. I read what YOU do and find it bizarrely appealing. In fact, reading about your experience at Susitna last year inspired me to sign up for my first 50K a few weeks later. That was a big step for me.
When a total stranger achieves some major athletic milestone, that's one thing. But when a friend, someone we identify with, accomplishes a Big Thing, somehow that's different. (Maybe *I* could do that too!) Maybe partly it's our competitive spirit, but I also think it connects us to that event in a different way. It makes it seem more achievable, somehow. And you know, if you hang around crazy people, after a while crazy seems normal!!
I also understand the appeal of the long distance event. I think some of us are naturally better suited to it by temperament and physiology. I can't go FAST, but I can go and go and go. And I also wonder just how far I can go if I try ....
So, I don't think it's a self destructive instinct that you have - simply a desire to test yourself further and achieve another milestone. It's not the pain, it's pushing past the pain to accomplish something that seemed unreachable before.
Honestly, I don't know if you'll find the same satisfaction in road marathons. There's something about the solitary endeavor in the wilderness that tests us like nothing else. Ultras do attract a different crowd ...
It's funny (and endearing) to hear you describe marathon training as "fun" and a way to be kind to yourself. I wonder if you will find it to be that after a few heavy weeks of it. But, hey, variety is the spice of life, right?
I think it's a good and healthy idea for you to branch out. You're actually a pretty diversified athlete, though. Gosh, where to begin? Running, hiking, cycling, backpacking, roller derby, XC ski racing. There's not much you DON'T do. :)
ITI is a huge and dangerous thing. I understand the impulse to do monumental things like that. (For example, one of these days, I'm going to thru-hike the PCT. Want to join me?) But if you really want to do it, it will take a TON of preparation - emotional, physical, and intellectual. Best to let the idea percolate for a bit until you're SURE you really want to take it on.
-Jenny
I heard of some dude who ran a road half next day after finishing some nasty-ass million mile mountain stage trek. Beat? :)
I am preaching to the choir I think. And I really just want to sign up for ITI. I won't think year.
Jacqueline I will make up my own plan probably adapted from Pfitz. Or the FiRST program. I have to keep it loose or I go mad.
Jill obviously you understand. I love how you and Beat are both super crazy :-). Are you thinking about Zion 50? The 100 is appealling too... So is the 50.
Olga you are the queen of intense living and have such an amazing ability to get everything you need and want from life and take every challenge seriously and conquer. You are an amazing woman!
SLG you could do ITI and do it on lefse and 1L of water. I hope you are kicking ass in Arkansas.
Karen you will do 100. It is a matter of time.
Beat roads are fun too! Be open minded! :p. and Olga is right you are the craziest.
Mary Beth I am not in a different league I am just further down the path. I did my first 50k in 2006 so there has been more time to adjust my perspective of really long. Thank you so much for your comment and getting it.
Jenny I know you get it and obviously it has been a long long time since I trained for a marathon... And I would love to hike the PCT!
Loved reading your post and your thoughts about the events and races you enter. I love hearing others try to identify their purpose behind the running and racing, fascinating!
For me, the racing has had different meanings depending on what I'm enduring at that time. Right now, I'm starting from scratch so racing is purely to get my fitness back, but I've entered races in the past to test my mental toughness and seeing if I have the grit to get 'er done. I loved then (pre injury) to be able to tell my non-running friends what I accomplished because I thought they'd realize that we are a lot tougher than we ever realized!!
I think a road marathon will be a nice change for you. It's great to change things up sometimes. :)
Ok that was partially on bike paths and you know I wanted to hang out with my brother and it was only HALF a marathon, too. You guys don't even know about that one time when I ran a road 100k a few weeks before my first 200 miler.
Ironically ITI ended on - guess what - 12.5 miles of road (alaskan ice road, but still, I think there was some pavement underneath the ice).
Still. They're bad for you! I stand by it!
What a beautiful and fascinating place your brain is! I understand the thinking, and just wish I could consider such grand adventures. I'm pretty sure this old body will not do everything I ask of it anymore. Have fun deciding, just be careful while you're taking on these adventures!
Cynthia
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