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Friday, April 29, 2011
Turns out, that road to self-improvement is a rough ride...
You may or may not have read my manifesto from close to a year ago wherein I declared that I was done obsessing about vanity pounds and translating weight and body fat into markers of self-worth and allowing the superficial ideal of being lean and "ideal" to permeate my feelings and impact my day. I thought you might be interested (or not) in an update on how that's going for me. The truth is, it's really tough to find balance. I definitely tipped the teeter-totter to the other side and, over the course of the past ten months, have not cried myself a river over the scale and have more or less tried to eat intuitively like a normal person. For a good while there I did not gain weight, but slowly weight (definitely fat) gain has insidiously spread across my belly. It definitely bothers me, because it's so hard to lose weight. I don't feel like a bad person as a result, but recognize that I need to examine my choices and tweak my lifestyle before I look (or feel) like this:
OK, the truth is lately I sometimes feel like our friend Jabba the Hutt. Which is bad since I continue to be a normal healthy weight. It's that sort of internalization that I need to fight against. At the same time, we feel better eating well (at least I do) so some of it might be a feedback loop or something. Anyhow, blah blah blah the point is that I am still working on finding that perfect balance where I am mentally healthy, physically healthy and well-nourished and not fat. It's hard, man.
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13 comments:
From what I read and hear, those of us who had some (not perfect) relationship with food and scale, will continue to have it, just altered and (hopefully) in lesser volume. I kinda accepted that fact:) I don't think even a shrink would help (I mean, the promises to discover those underlining problmes, or pull out that first hurtful comment...all it leads to is understanding why you're fretting, but not stopping to frett). OK, that didn;t sound too supportive, did it? Just wanted to say you are never alone in a battle:)
You are definitely not alone in this.
I actually wrote a post about this very same topic today. You are definitely not alone in this. I'm not happy with myself unless I'm a few pounds above an underweight BMI. When (not if) you find the secret of body happiness, let me know. But summer is almost here, there's no more perfect motivator than great weather!
I'm feeling the same way. Not being able to do anything about it either because of injury (at least for 3 months)made it worse. Even now that I can do a little cross training and walking, I realize that none of it compares to what running does. Blah.
I started out exercising with my weight at 240lbs about 8-10 years ago ... it's been hovering around 170 for the last 5 years - and I still go on the scale almost daily, pick food by calorie density and go up and down in weight (180 is my "OH SHIT" upper limit), and am never as light as I want. This is exactly in line with what Olga said ...
I wouldn't worry about pounds, though they do make everything harder (except when you're swimming). What I can say though is this: being obese and unfit (like I was) really SUCKS. I swore to myself never to get back to that state, and that's my main reason to obsess over my weight. That and weighing less makes running so much faster ...
What I found effective for me is two things:
a) I found my bad habit and kicked it. No diet, no tricks - but I used to have excuses to overeat, and I just don't do this any longer (though it's oh so tempting. I just ran a 100, right ... so I CAN eat that pint of ice cream, no?). Thanksgivings - just ONE day. Birthday! blah blah - bull. I eat what I like, but I also realize I can have pretty much anything I like anytime, so there's never a reason to eat particularly much of it ...
b) Stomach does expand or shrink for me. If I eat less, I get full much more quickly. Another reason not to eat too much in one sitting.
c) I find having an event planned that requires me to be lean is pretty good motivation ...
d) I don't like to take in unneeded calories. I loathe beer, high-calorie ice cream (did you know gelato is usually much less caloric). I almost always pick the lower-calorie option if available - as long as it's still reasonably tasty. Exception is cheese, of course :)
Note that because of a) and because I am less hungry when I don't exercise, I find it easier these days to lose weight when I'm NOT training hard.
And I can tell you while Google is super-awesome, having ANYTHING to eat you might like AT ALL TIMES for free has been a huge test of my willpower. I think my weight did creep up 2-3 pounds, but so far it's ok ...
The most weight I ever lost was during my gym rat phase of 2005. With almost no outdoor exercise I went from 158 to 135. I put on quite a bit of creep up weight in the two years prior, right when I really started to increase my physical activity upon discovering cycling (One of those situations where I thought simply being active meant I could eat whatever I wanted. Ha!) The gym was good for focus but bad for the soul. I found my way back to the light (dark?) side soon enough.
Since then, I've stayed pretty close to 135 no matter what I eat or how much I exercise, so I've decided that this is probably pretty close to my body's happy weight. The only exception is Tour Divide; in July 2009 I was down to 120 pounds, so I know it's possible for me to lose this kind of weight, but I certainly wouldn't consider it sustainable (unless a straight candy diet and 12-16 hours of biking per day is sustainable.)
It's also funny that you linked your post from last year. I think that was actually the first post of yours that I read, after Keith told me the check out the blog of his "Montana friend" because I'd be moving there soon. I actually remember reading it and thinking "this chick is awesome; I have to meet her!" So glad I did!
I hear you. My boys have been living with us the last year, so I've been cooking more for them, and adding more unnecessary carbs unfortunately. Potatoes au gratin, baked ziti, you get the picture, and portion control is iffy. So I'm hovering about 5 lbs heavier than last year. Running isn't too bad, though I can definitely feel the extra weight. It would help if I could run more, but injuries are keeping me at moderate mileage- say 30 mpw, but I eat like I run 70 mpw! Gonna have to make some changes myself!
But seriously, don't beat yourself up. Just assess where you should make changes and try it out.
Sorry about your toe! Didn't realize it was so bad until I read your last posts. Hope you're healed soon.
Are you planning any races in CA this year?
Cynthia
Olga, I just need to be more like you!
Thanks Mary I didn't figure as much. It's good to have support!
Karen, I read your post and I think it's interesting that you gained weight giving up cookies. LOL. I'm sure it will melt off. Shows how psychological food can be.
Iris we'll both be back out there soon!
Beat, I think you should be proud of yourself!!!
Jill, I will never have time to spend as many hours per week exercising as you (ok maybe just not the desire) but I expect that does wonders for maintaining weight.
Cynthia are you cooking those things for your boys? 5 pounds isn't really too bad. I'm impressed with your paleo discpline so some transgressions are probably not the end of the world. As long as 5 pounds doesn't become 15, as is the case with me (ok more like 10).
Oh and Jill that was really sweet.
Great post, thanks for writing down your thoughts. This has consumed me more then I am comfortable whith as well. I am like Beat, a hovering 170s type guy with a 180 oh f#%$k cutoff. I am striving for what Jill calls "happy weight" ... think it is like 173 ... ish. Ironic how we look at ourselves VS what others see. Thanks again.
Great post, Dani. It is a tough road. What's most frustrating to me is how my body has changed in my late 30's and ahem...40. I run now just as much as I did in my late twenties and early thirties (and perhaps more) but having two kids has definitely added a layer of 'blubber' around my midsection that seems there to stay. I could be more proactive and do stuff like yoga or active weight management to deal with it, but I'm just too lazy for that. I just want to be outside, whether its running or on my bike. I have no interest in going to a gym and doing endless crunches. I'm also a horrible dieter. I stick with it for a couple days and then I realize that that's not the way I want to live my life.
So, this is the body we have. As my dad says, this is the body we've earned, and we need to make peace with it. In the end, we'll all be sitting in a rocking chair at a nursing home or (hopefully) on our own front porch and I guarantee you that it won't be our weight or body image that we'll be reflecting on. Hopefully it will be the adventures we've had, the people we've loved, and the lives we've led.
Bill at least we have activities we love. Imagine life without enjoyable recreation that happens to burn calories.
Kristin you are absolutely right. It's hard to maintain perspective sometimes!
Danni. I hope late comments are allowed. I love this subject and wish people were more honest about it and that more was known about what truly is or isn't healthy. I do know that it is neither healthy nor beautiful to obsess about weight and only care about the scale. On the other hand, Western Society leads us to being overweight and out of shape simply by leading a "normal" life. The secret seems to be somehow working lots of exercise and reasonable eating into a daily routine. But it is nearly impossible, unless you are Jill Homer, for example. And I say that in the most admiring way. Living a life of exploration and biking and running and earning a living writing about it, well, that's one solution that seems to work. :) I just wish were all could find a way to live like that. Wouldn't the world be happier?
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